This week, I want to start a new series of blog posts related to the different types of wedding vows. For example, “For better or for worse,” “For richer or poorer,” “Until death do us part,” etc.
In this series, I’d like to post my thoughts about relationships: relationships with my clients, relationships brides have with their grooms, and issues in relationships that may or may not make a strong marriage. We will talk about the intricacies of human emotions and what makes for a good relationship and a challenging one. Let’s see what we can discover together.
A tradition that started in 1981
Before my brides walk down the aisle, I have an old tradition of handing her the bridal bouquet, wishing her well, and quietly standing in the back of each and every wedding ceremony. Very often, I catch myself privately wiping tears from my eyes hoping the rest of the guests don’t see the event designer making a fool of himself.
I find these life commitments to be extremely powerful, especially when they promise each other to be there “for better or for worse.” At 61 years old, I am still learning the joy and difficulties of an intimate relationship. I’m still learning there is never a perfect marriage but a perfectible one, that marriage is never a DONE DEAL but always A WORK IN PROGRESS, and that the joy of marriage is in the discipline of loving and acceptance.
So, how does one deal with INFIDELITY? I have unofficially interviewed couples that have been together for over 20 years and they have openly admitted that at some point they dealt with this issue of infidelity and survived it.
Through talking to them, I noticed that it is far easier to believe what makes us feel better (e.g. that my husband or wife will never cheat), and that most husbands or wives want to think their significant other will be what he or she needs them to be (or, essentially, what they promised to be).
I do know that we hold more love and capacity to forgive than we can ever give, but I must admit that I do not have the answer for this, only to say that as I grow older I have became a bit more tolerant on this issue.
What is your opinion? Would you honor your vows of “for better or for worse” and stay in a marriage if your husband or wife cheated?
PREVIOUS
George Bernard Shaw once said: “You see things and say, ‘Why?’ But I dream things that never were and say, ‘Why not?’” That quote embodies how Preston Bailey approaches every event.
Kattia Gordon
April 5, 2010
Oooo this is a tough one. I have thought about this many times, for me my decision would be based on how remorseful my spouse would be of the indiscretion. I also would look at how intense this fling was, was there an emotional attachement, that would wound me even more. Weighing the answers to these questions as well as my Faith which offers me direction would help me make a decision. . When I made my vows they were important and under God , so giving up without a fight would not be a good decision
Ellie
April 5, 2010
I agree Katia. Giving up without a fight would not be what I would want to do either, but this is such a tough issue for me to deal with. I’ve had one previous boyfriend who cheated on me, and the devastation of that broken trust was a lot more than I could handle. I severed our relationship as quickly as I could–but then again, we were not married. We didn’t have children, nor did we have decades of years and experience together that bound us. I honestly do not know what I would do.
I guess I would have a lot of questions. WHY? being the main one. Depending on his answers, I guess we would take it one step at a time after that.
Has anyone else here dealt with a cheating spouse or significant other? How did you deal? I’m guessing the copious amounts of alcohol I consumed after me and my boyfriend broke up were not necessarily the right way to go? Or maybe that was the answer? Ha ha.
Kristin
April 6, 2010
It would really depend on the circumstances. With any of my previous relationships, infidelity should have been a deal-breaker (even when it wasn’t), but that was due in large part to the fact that I was always going out with bad boys (and bad girls). What we had wasn’t ever worth salvaging. With my current significant other, if he cheated, I’d need to know the who and the why. I could live with a hooker on a business trip, but if he was with some lawyer hottie from work who was smarter than me, I’d probably believe that he wanted out of our relationship but was afraid to face that. It comes down to intention, to whether he would want to save the relationship. I probably would; he’s as good as gold, and he’s worth some hard work.
That said, I’ve asked him to write a clause into our prenup whereby if he ever cheats I get to set his car on fire, but apparently you can’t contractually agree to an illegal act.
(Also, holy cow. You’re 61? Who are you, Dorian Gray?)
Lamby
April 6, 2010
Love your prenup Kristin
my husband is a car nut and would lose his mind if I did anything to his toys.
You’ve posed a difficult question Preston, and one that obviously has no right or wrong blanket answer to. What I have noticed amoung my friends is women are more hurt by emotional infedelity than physical. Where as men tend to be the opposite….it’s just an observation I’ve made and not based on any scientific fact – lol Personally I would be devastated if my husband emotioally cheated on me because that would destroy my self esteem and self worth. A physical fling I may get over, but it would cost him
Meli
April 7, 2010
Very difficult to say… I always had the philosophy that once something is broken broken in half, even if you put it back together, you will always see the cracks…. For me, the worst part is losing the trust that you had, and if you can no longer trust your spouse, than the marriage is doomed, as you will always live in fear which would eat you up inside…
But then again, but I do believe that what you have built together is more precious, that it would be foolish to just throw it away (assuming that it was a one time thing)….
school grants
April 15, 2010
found your site on del.icio.us today and really liked it.. i bookmarked it and will be back to check it out some more later
LILIANE NTEZILYAYO
May 8, 2010
I WILL STAY AND WORK THINGS OUT
Jewelry Buyer
October 17, 2010
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October 18, 2010
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October 29, 2010
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medical assistant
February 4, 2011
I never forget the voes i heard in American pie. It was hilarious. I wish its possible to be a little goofy. I cant be myself when I have to be emotional in front of lots of people. I guess I’m screwed. Any help?
Anonymous
September 16, 2011
Hi Preston,
In answer to your closing question, I honestly don’t know. Having just turned 50, I’ve learned to never say never and that change is forever so long as you are still above ground. My thoughts on infidelity have softened somewhat over the years, having come to an understanding that people falter and that all relationships are complicated.
M.