Dear Preston: Help! My Husband Doesn't Want Me To Become A Wedding Planner, Preston's blog

Dear Preston,

My husband and I met at church, and it was love at first sight. My husband is kind and thoughtful and right from the start I knew he was the one. We got engaged a month after meeting and were married six months after that. Those early months were the happiest in my life. And then, while planning our wedding, I fell in love with weddings. Not only had I found my prince but I’d also finally found my professional passion.

But when I told my husband I wanted to become a wedding planner, he told me I should stop dreaming. He reminded me that I already have a real job. We’ve been married almost a year now, and I still feel resentful. Secretly, I’ve been doing a lot of research on wedding planners, and I’m more sure than ever that planning is my calling. But I want my husband’s support, too. And I don’t know if I can stay married to a man who doesn’t support my dreams. What should I do?

Unhappy Wife

Dear Unhappy Wife,

I can understand your hurt, and I think your husband acted like an insensitive fool. But I wonder if when you were on cloud nine, marrying a man you had just met, if you really understood that vow you took to stay together “for better or for worse.” You were making a commitment to a man you hardly knew, and now you’re surprised by some of his behavior? What else did you expect? It sounds to me like this is the first big disagreement you and your husband have had. I strongly suggest that you seek couple’s counseling.

Do not get me wrong: I am not suggesting that you give up your dream. But I think you can save your dream and your marriage. I am also not making excuses for your husband, but maybe he doesn’t understand how exciting and invigorating planning can be. Or, maybe he is one of those men who simply don’t like change. It sounds like you don’t really know his reasons, either. But you need to find out. Instead of going behind your husband’s back and secretly learning about wedding planning, you need to communicate with him.

Dear Readers, what would you tell “Unhappy Wife”? Are you one of the many lucky ones who have the full support of your spouse? I hope so.

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    if your husband doesn’t support your dreams, what is the point of the life you are building together? to work and pay bills?

    I wouldn’t stay with my husband if he didn’t support me, and I probably wouldn’t be doing as well without his support.

    I plan on being happily married forever but I would never life counting on that. Live the life you want.

    On the other hand, everyone can’t just love to plan weddings and become a wedding planner. it takes a lot more than loving to plan weddings. You need cashflow, business skills, a good business brain, marketing etc.

    Start slow and learn the skills you need so you can start planning weddings and leave your job.

  • Tamar Paul

    Preston I admire your work. I just quip my job to dive in the wedding industry head first in Jamaica. My company is Events by Tamar where i specialize in wedding planning I hope to be like you or even better than you.Its been rough getting started but I know this is what it takes to be the best. Even harder to get destination brides because the local hotels capture about 98% of the market. What advise would you give in me breaking in this industry?

  • Wendy

    First, it is very easy to get caught up in the “glamor” of wedding planning when you are planning your own- MOST brides decide this is “their calling” at that time. It is one of the main reasons that those of us who have chosen the profession are closing our doors- too many brides think this is My Fair Wedding! IT IS NOT A GLAMOR JOB!! It is also not an easy one or one you can fall into with a certificate from a web site.
    Second, you married your “prince” and you have a job. Work on your marriage and do your job and stop dreaming of a career that you really know nothing about.

  • Danial

    I have been doing the same thing as Unhappy Wife. I have been looking at the special event planning business. I will be starting in about two months. I would like to say that, if you are studying in private then you are not getting the full extent of your study. I have been sharing what I learn with my family and they shed a lot of new light on the ideas I have. My Mother even surprised me with a payed class recently that was very helpful. Part of studying is being able to tell what you learned to others. This helps you know you memorized it and also makes you and the person (or people in my case) that are important to you know that you’re serious. Your husband may think that you were caught up in the glamour of designing your own wedding, as one of the above posters also assumes. I mean no offense, having not done an event myself yet, I do know that what most people do to set up an event is minimal compared to all an event planner does to plan an event. Well I have chattered long enough, hope someone finds it helpful. Good luck and as Preston said, communicate with your husband or your marriage won’t last very long.

  • http://YOURWEBSITE Kara Brown

    I would certainly talk to your husband more about what your dreams are but come at him with a plan. Look at your bills and expenses and see what income you need to bring in to contribute to the household. Find out how much it will cost you to get properly trained to become a wedding planner. Find out how much time is involved with the training and internship. Write all this information down and present that to your husband and come up with a plan to make it work. My husband is all about results and how we are going to make ends meet. He supports my work but I had to show him a plan of action as to how it would not effect the bottom line of the household and marriage. If you have a well thought out plan, he should support you as I am sure you would support him in his dreams.

  • Angela _ Richmond VA

    I agree that you should speak with a professional counselor about this. I understand what it feels like to have that passion in you, but not the support of your loved ones. You will need to explain that you will still be committed to your family and that you will be able to balance work and home.

    Best of luck!

  • Think Events Planning

    As a planner who have been happily married for 16 yeas and has the full support of my husband… I must say it took some time to prove that I was really serious about this business. I don’t think that the husband is totally non-supportive. Being newly wed is one of the hugest undertaking a couple can have together, men aren’t made as women to just jump right into things, they need to think it through, the pros and cons etc. I think you need to be a little more patient and understanding with your husband. He has pressures to make sure that he make you happy and take full care of you and support your dreams and endeavors, and while you may have fell totally in love with the planning business after your planned your wedding he may have been scared by the experience of planning your dream wedding… I think before you continue to sneak and plan weddings… You NEED SERIOUS COMMUNICATION WITH YOUR HUSBAND! Sneaking off and doing your business only would lead to complete distrust in your marriage and more problems. The Bottom line you guys really need to get to know each other and support each others’ decision and have open communication! I say work on your marriage first and then you will be an excellent Events Planner, if you are an unhappy wife it will carry over in your planning and your clients will resent you. The wedding planning business is built on trust and genuineness, there is no way for you to be a great planner if you are sneaking of to do your planning business.
    Be patient and supportive of your husband and he will come around… Have you sat down and prove to him that you are capable of running a successful business? Did you enter into marriage with lots of wedding deaths? Are you are person that picks up a hobby and then drop it for a new trendy hobby? Just being married under a year may be too soon to have your husband’s support in such a difficult business market. Reality is that Events Planning Business calls for long hours of hard work and devotion. But the key to your getting your husband’s support is genuine open communication!

    Getting yourself educated in the wedding planning business, slowly marketing yourself taking your time will help you to succeed in this business!

    I wish you the best in your marriage and your planning endeavors

  • Ruby

    I fortunately have the support of my husband in my photography business…however, it wasn’t always that way. When I initially started, I hit the ground running and I did not schedule the time for us to be together. We did grow apart for a bit, until I learned that I needed and “off” switch and that I needed to stop answering calls past a certain hour and not respond to emails as we had dinner. Wedding planning is much more involved and you will be dealing with people at their best and unfortunately at their worst on that day, but even the road there can be a bumpy one. That being said, though, if you decide to fulfill your dream, you should still make time for your husband and activities together and schedule at least one weekend off every month to spend with each other. This way he won’t feel neglected and maybe in time he will come to see that this business venture isn’t so bad after all :)

  • Pam Archer

    You are so right in your response to her! Spot on!

  • http://YOURWEBSITE Anonymous

    away from my husband and my kids …they missed me…although they didnt say it…i knew they did.

  • Anji Panganiban

    If “Unhappy Wife” has done her research well, then she would know that event/wedding planning is a difficult and highly detail-oriented job which – as Wendy mentioned in her comment – appears very “glamorous.” Beautiful events aren’t made in a snap of a finger. It takes hard work, dedication, cooperation, and patience to produce a successful event.

    If she is serious about turning this passion into a profession, I would advise her try to come up with a concrete and realistic plan towards fulfilling her goal. Finances should also be taken into consideration, which may be what her husband was concerned about.

    Once she has come up with a plan and she’s confident that she can make the transition without jeopardizing their family’s welfare, she should then have a serious talk with her husband. She should try to make him understand her side, but she should also listen to his views about the matter. After all, this decision affects both of them.

    While I agree that spouses should support each other in their passions/endeavors, compromise exists for a reason. Here’s hoping they reach a happy one. :)

  • http://YOURWEBSITE Angela

    Do not know if this may help. Initially i had planned to start a school and my husband initially supported the idea and then became totally opposed to it. I pleaded for two years and nothing came through. I became depressed and felt like my life had come to an end especially as i was not fulfilling my dream at the time. I did make out time to find out what he felt I should be doing and at that point also searched deep within me to find out what i was passionate about. I ended up pursuing my passion in event planning and it has been rewarding. I have been where you are and i must admit it is a painful road to tread. I do hope he comes to a point where he supports your dreams.

  • Julie Hamilton

    Dear Unhappy Wife, wow, that is a tough situation to be in and I feel for you. One of the great and difficult things that we face in marriage is compromise. Building a beautiful life together takes compromise on both parts in many, many circumstances. Ten years ago, we had the same story…my husband was interested in photography and I didn’t want him to buy an expensive camera that was going to end up on the shelf. So we comprised. I told him that he could get the camera IF he make the money back using the camera. Now, that same photographic spirit in him supports our entire family solely. So, I would encourage you to both look and see what steps that you both might be willing to compromise on. Maybe he would let you plan a small party first and see the results and you could grow from there. Best of luck to you and I truly hope you have a long and successful marriage. It can be wonderful!

  • Breathless Events

    I think more than anything you need to stay positive. Remember why you married your husband in the first place – look for his positive aspects and focus on those. Also do the same with your planning. Focus on the reasons why you love it, how happy it makes you feel – rather than dwelling on the negative feelings that occur when you think about how he hasn’t been supportive straight off the bat.

    What’s more, if you see things from his perspective, he might only be scared that your joint financial situation may be jeapordised by this new passion of yours – which probably only comes from the part of him that wants to look after you, take care of you and provide a financial footing that is conducive to a good life together. Most of the time when people are negative, they’re operating from a place of fear. No-one’s perfect.

    Anyway, imagine if we all gave up our dreams, just because those close to us didn’t support us straight away, think how many fabulous creations would never come to life.

    I think, lighten up a little about this. Focus on the positive in your planning AND your husband and let the negative go for a little while. When your husband isn’t feeling you push against him so much, you might be surprised how he changes his tune.

    The beauty of being human is we get to change our minds. Give your husband the chance to change his. Just don’t force him and don’t make him responsible for your happiness by placing conditions on how he has to act.

    When he sees how happy planning makes you and how you don’t need him to support you in it to make a go of it, I’m sure he’ll see things differently.

  • flowers delivery Montreal and Montreal florists

    Thanks for the post, I agree that you should speak with a professional counselor about wedding. I understand what it feels like to have that passion in you, but not the support of your loved ones.

  • http://YOURWEBSITE Deb

    Joe Giudice said it best “Happy wife happy life!”
    Best of luck